Here in The Men's Room, we're all about making you just a little bit better blokes. That means the occasional harsh truth. Such as, if you own any of the below items of clothing, you need to sort yourselves out. We're no fashionistas, but stick with this and you'll be less likely to make a dick of yourself. Good luck guys.
“Humourous” socks (and/or ties)
Look, we get that your relative bought them for you. It means they hate you. Therefore you don’t have to wear them. So don’t. They possess the comedy value of a head cold.
Tight pants are good. Too tight pants are horrible. Just horrible. This is especially true of white pants, which are not acceptable under any circumstance, even including attending Mad Monday as a Mediterranean drug lord. If you ever wear tight white pants, not only are you going to give yourself a nasty injury, not to mention hemorrhoids, we can actually see your…oh God! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!
It doesn’t look okay. No, it doesn’t. No. It doesn’t. No it doesn’t. Noitdoesntnoitdoesntnoitdoesntnoitdoesntnoitdoesntnoitdoesntnoitdoesnt. No. It. Doesn’t. Ask your friend. Ask your other friend. NO. IT. DOESN’T.
That beaded necklace you bought in Bali
You were pissed most of the trip and forgot you even bought it. Let’s keep it that way. Why not reminisce about that amazing holiday by taking a nice stroll down to your nearest beach and take your stupid, beaded necklace with you so you can throw the damn thing as far into the sea as possible.
Why in the name of all things sacred would you? When you’ve got a kick-ass leather jacket that looks good, makes you feel like a movie star and rocks the shit out of everything, would you go and buy some cheap, nasty alternative. Move away from the pleather please sir.
We know you don’t own one of these because you’d have to be completely fucking insane. This is just a reminder that if someone buys you one to immediately take it and set it on fire. Preferably in front of the person who bought it for you, to show them the error of their ways.
Shoes with a pointy toe
Big debate on this one between a) people who think shoes with pointed toes look smart, stylish and cool, and b) people who are right. Seriously guys, they’re not even comfortable. Step away from the elf shoes.
Shoes with a square toe
And these. You look like Frankenstein. Just have a rounded-toe shoe and we’ll say no more about it.
Are you the wrestler Kurt Angle? Have you just been crowned WWE Intercontinental Champion? Will you immediately take that giant belt in your hands and put it on a mantelpiece, never to be worn? If you answered ‘no’ to any of these question, throw the damn thing in the sea.
Sports brand thongs
Havaiainas are fine. Mandatory even. Having an Adidas pair of sports thongs/flip flops are not fine. Not fine at all.
This shirt is awesome if you’re eight. If you’re any older, it’s not.
You are better than this. No. You are. It isn’t hard to find jeans that fit and look reasonable. Just ask the nice girl in the store to help.