Instant Expert - Round 3, 2009 Post by: Hamish McLachlan 14 April, 2009 - 4:35 PM

After the Easter long weekend of footy, here are few quick and hopefully helpful hints to make you sound like you're related to a 300-gamer!

1. Fremantle are the tipster's friend

A lot of people are filthy about Freo's form and find it necessary to abuse them when they roll over in the West and lose week after week.

I say, embrace the Dockers and let them be your one certainty each week in the tipping.

Pick them to lose every week and you will smile more than you cry.

2. "Frontal Pressure"

Not a weather term used to describe drought-breaking cloud and air movement, but a term that 'Spud Regis' coined on the weekend and has since been used in all forms of media, four coaches press conferences, two United Nations' addresses and the odd sermon on Good Sunday.

Like the 'cluster' and the 'rolling zone', no one will ever know what "Frontal Pressure" really means, but try and use it at least twice in footy banter this week for instant cred.

3. "Lloydy Really Clunked 'Em"

If you can try and get this into one of your work meetings this week you'll win the hearts of any Bombers fans in the room.

It refers to the timely return to form of the Essendon warrior Matthew Lloyd. He has been out of touch and a few scribes were saying his days were numbered, but last Saturday night in front of 70,000 at the home of football he was sublime. He kicked 5.1 and took a heap of big marks. Hence, he "really clunked 'em".

4. "Just Look, Don't Touch Please"

There are lots of examples of this in society: expensive shops, friends wives, art galleries and Bucks' days.

It now applies to AFL players and umpires, as Heath Shaw learned over the weekend. If a player touches an umpire, he will be rubbed out, regardless of how innocent or amicable the touch.

It's the right rule. Moral of the story for the players is simple: don't touch the men in red/green/yellow/orange. Keep your hands on the ball and all will be well with the world.

5. The Worst Job on the Planet

Three sides are without a win, and two of them play each other this week - the Tigers and the Demons.

The fans of both will be nervous as a loss will mean a seriously long season of suffering, but spare a thought for the coaches.   

No profession in this country is more scrutinised than that of an AFL coach.

Imagine the pressure for both Dean Bailey and Terry Wallace at game time on Sunday. And it's not as if they can actually do too much. The game is played out on the ground not in the box. Both will have an ulcer by Wednesday lunch time, I reckon.   

And you reckon you have pressure in your job? Wouldn't be an AFL coach for a week at Hef's house. I hope it’s a draw!

Hope your team had a win.

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• Jess says

  Love this column!!! Awesome tips

  Posted Wednesday 15 April, 2009 9:43 AM