15th June, 2018; Kazan, Russia
I’ve arrived in Russia and cannot believe I’m part of a World Cup squad, it’s a boyhood dream. Now I’m just need Elle Macpherson, Portia De Rossi and Kate Fisher (or whatever she’s called these days) to turn up and help me re-enact the movie Sirens and that boyhood dream is truly complete.
Training has been solid but my god our uniforms are shit. We look like a bunch of bloody canaries. Especially Jackson Irvine with his stupid top knot. I’m going to cut that thing off when he falls asleep.
Bert keeps telling me to whip my crosses in early because “Timmy” is such an aerial threat….
Get F***d! The fully armed unmanned US drone plane that constantly flew over our training field in North Korea was an “aerial threat” Bert you pancake loving git. “Timmy” is at best an annoying midget who can jump surprisingly high.
I’ve actually bonded really well with the other boys. Especially Aaron Mooy. He looks like Voldemort from the Harry Potter books and as self confessed member of House Slytherin, I feel a connection.
All the players bloody love their video games, especially this game called “Fortnite”. I told Mile Jedinak that it was ridiculous that a bunch of fully grown men were sitting in a hotel room playing shoot ‘em up games when WE ARE IN RUSSIA! If we want to fire some guns we could probably get ourselves on the front line of some war if we turn the right corner. Mile didn’t say anything, or maybe he did and his stupid beard muffled the response. I’m going to shave that thing off when he falls asleep.
We’ve got our first game against the Frogs tomorrow. I don’t know why the boys are getting so upset about that French bloke not knowing any of our names, playing in the NK League for the past seven years meant that not many people even knew I existed. I asked Bert about me getting a start against France and the windmill loving peanut said something about “slimming to none” so I’ve embarked on a juice cleanse to shed the extra kilos. Unfortunately the only juice available in Russia is beetroot which means every time I take a piss it looks like a slasher film.
Big day of training in the morning so I’d better get some sleep, especially if I’m going to shave Mile and Jackson tonight.
Socceroos’ Oscar Mimmovic writes exclusively for Triple M during this year’s Global Football Tournament in Russia.