As far as poo-related stories go, we really didn't think we could get much better than the girl who got stuck halfway out the window while trying to retrieve a turd she had ill-advisedly chucked outside.
But we did it. We managed to find an even shittier story. What a way to start the year.
Headlined: "I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife", Reddit user LearnedButt's tale is so bizarre, we aren't even grossed out.
It all started, he says, with his family's ability to "poop big".
"Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap," he wrote in a now-viral Reddit post. "If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush.
"It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
"Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was a rusty old kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose.
"It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out 'hey, can you get me the poop knife?'"
LearnedButt reckons it was so accepted in his house that he thought it was standard kit.
"You have your plunger, your toilet bush and your poop knife," he added.
Fast forward a few years and LearnedButt is now 22 years old and at a mate's house. There are a bunch of other people around too but it's been a couple days since he last dropped one off at the pool so he heads to the toilet and does what he needs to do,
He continued: "I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives, and I ask him for his poop knife."
After a bit of back and forth, LearnedButt's friend eventually asks what the hell a "poop knife" is and as he starts to explain, he realises that he can hear laughing from the other room.
"It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door," LearnedButt said. "It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my f*cked up family with their f*cked up bowels. FML."
But wait, there's more. When old mate gets home to his wife and explains what happened, she's horrified to realise that the rusty old knife that hangs in their utility closet is the same knife her husband uses to cut up his turds.
"Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes," he recounted. "She will be getting her own utility knife now."