The sun’s out and whether it’s during the lunch break in the Test, at weekends with the kids, or when you visit your mates, backyard cricket season is well underway.
And one of the great things about the grand old game is hat everyone abides by the unwritten gentleman’s agreement to tell the truth and play in the spirit of the game.
Well, nearly everyone.
We’ve all played backyard cricket with – and been bloody annoyed by – these people.
Join us and our mates from Home Timber & Hardware for the ultimate game of backyard cricket this season - with Aussie stars Peter Siddle and Aaron Finch. Enter here to win a place on one of the two teams for the Backyard Cricket Legends game this December 9.
Calls every damn ball. Names every shot. References the field settings. Screams in exaggerated anguish at every dropped catch. Tries his hardest to get a catchphrase up and running. Basically thinks he’s James Brayshaw - he isn’t.
Mate. Everyone knows you hit that. Do everyone a favour and let the next bloke have a bloody bat.
Especially annoying when you’re a guest at a mate’s family house and you don’t want to cause any aggro…and they know it.
Try and put them in their place by calling them “Stuart Broad” for the rest of the day/week/year/their life (although they probably secretly love that).
THE BOWLING HOG
"Three more left!" Funny that, champ. There were three more left when we asked four balls ago. Will claim to have bowled "heaps of no-balls" when you press him on it.
THE SUNIL GAVASKAR
Block. Leave. Leave. Leave. Block. Block. Leave.
The only answer to this piece of work is a succession of short balls at his face and to remind him frequently about his mother's sexual promiscuity.
THE “ONE-HAND-ONE-BOUNCE-IS-BULLSHIT” GUY
"It’s total bullshit!" he screams at the injustice of hitting a textbook drive into the ground then getting snagged one handed by the kid stuck fielding at deep cover. Will claim that "you shouldn’t be able to get out like that," but begrudgingly accept the decision. When he does get back in, he'll keep counting his runs from before when he out because "I wasn't really out was I mate?".
THE USELESS PARTNER
Just when you and your mates have got a good thing going – you know who fields where, what order you bat in, etc, etc… one of you goes and hooks up with someone that joins the group and is absolutely garbage at cricket. They don't know the rules, they drop absolute sitters off your bowling, and they're so bad at batting you have to give them more goes or "take it easy on them". Rumours this is what the Australia team feel like when they find out Shaun Marsh is selected (again).
THE (WAY TOO) FAST BOWLER
Single-handedly responsible for you having to now enforce the “Two Step Run Ups Only” rule, as he used to come charging in and dig it in short like he’s Mitch Johnson circa the 2013/14 Ashes. Once gave your 13-year-old cousin a brutal spray after a play and miss and defended it as a character building exercise.
Put the f***ing phone down! We appreciate that you could get, like, at least 25 likes if you get the framing just right on the bottle of beer in your hand and the ball being hit your way by the batsman. Shove a sick Valencia filter over that and you’re in business. But, to be honest mate, we’d rather you took the bloody catch.
Adorable, hilarious, helpful, cute, universally loved… these are just some of the things a dog playing backyard cricket is not.
Of course nobody ever admits this as you’d rather trip over the damn thing and sprain your ankle than look like an animal hating dullard - but surely everyone else is as uncomfortable touching the wet, slobbery tennis ball as you are?